Burn Your Life Down
by knifegoingin
Summary: tegan and sara struggle to keep their feelings hidden from one another. quincest. tegan quin. sara quin.


"Emy, please." I complained as my girlfriend climbed down a step on her step ladder.

"Can you hand me that one." She asked, pointing at a piece of red ribbon that was sitting on the large table beside me. "Please what?" She asked in response to my comment, smiling a thank you at me as I handed her the long piece of ribbon.

"I don't want to do this." I complained for the hundredth time this morning, my head falling backwards, a loud groan escaping my lips. I heard my girlfriend laugh and I could picture her eyes rolling at me.

"Honey." She started, suddenly in front of me, both her hands pulling my head forward so I was looking her directly in the eye. "It's your birthday. On your birthday, you have a party." She informed me, both her hands still cupping my face as she spoke. "Plus this isn't just for you, it's for Tegan too."

"Who cares about Tegan." I huffed, annoyed at the whole situation. I hated parties in general, but a party where I was the centre of attention was even worse. Sadly for me, my sister loved them. As did my girlfriend, I had no hope.

"Happy birthday to you to, you cow." I heard my sisters voice come from the entrance to the large room. Then, almost as if a switch had been turned on inside of me, my mood completely changed. She wore a simple blue button up shirt that was rolled up at the elbows and black jeans, her hair was messy from the, no doubt long, drive here. She smoothed her hair with her left hand and smiled at me, my heart skipping a beat at the sight. My twin sister and I always had an aversion to any physical contact unless it was necessary, yet when I saw her smiling face for the first time in close to four months, I couldn't stop the loud squeak that escaped my lips as my body flew towards her. Her smile doubled in size as I ran toward her, her arms catching me, my feet leaving the ground as I threw myself into her hug. "I missed you too." I heard her chuckle against my neck before I let her go, my feet back on the ground. I couldn't stop looking at her, I had never been this happy to see her before.

"Tegan." Emy sighed, embracing my sister with a smile before she spoke again. "I'm so glad you're here. Can you tell your sister that parties are really not that bad." Emy told her, raising her eyebrows at me. It was my turn to roll my eyes now, turning to look at Tegan who was merely smiling at me.

"Is there anything I can do?" Tegan asked, covering her mouth as she yawned. Emy smiled sympathetically at her before she spoke.

"Maybe you should go to Saras and nap." Tegan didn't argue, throwing her car keys at me as soon as Emy had spoken.

"Drive me back to your place?" I, much like my sister, didn't argue. I hadn't seen her in a lot longer then I was comfortable with, it would be nice to have some time alone with her before our party tonight.

"You'll be okay?" I asked my girlfriend as my sister headed for the door. She nodded, looping her hands around my waist to pull me against her, her lips touching mine once softly.

"Happy birthday baby." I smiled at her words, nuzzling my face into her neck for a few seconds before lightly placing a kiss on her cheek, running out the door to catch up to my twin sister.

* * *

><p>"Let me help you." I said quietly as I took my sisters huge bag out of her hands, my body falling forward under the weight. She laughed at my reaction, taking the bag off me and kicking me lightly toward the stairs.<p>

"Oh god, it feels so good to be here." Tegan sighed as she dropped her bag I inside my front door, walking straight to my small sofa and letting her body fall straight onto it.

"Do you want tea? Water?" I offered as I placed both my hands in my jeans pockets.

"Rum?" My sister asked, making me roll my eyes, looking at the clock on the wall, reading 3pm. I began making her a cup of tea, knowing she wouldn't drink coffee. "Sare?" I heard her call, her voice coming out like a sleepy childs would.

"What is it, tee?" I asked, rounding the corner to see my sister standing in the middle of my living room with her arms opened out to me. "You're not serious." I laughed, not moving from where I stood. She rolled her eyes, closing the gap between us, wrapping her arms around my neck tightly, holding me against her. I closed my eyes, my arms going around her waist, gripping at the fabric of her shirt, breathing in as much of my sister as possible.

"I missed you so much." She told me quietly, her lips pressing against my hair so softly I almost wasn't sure it happened. "I have something for you." She told me, pulling back just far enough for us to make eye contact. I dropped my arms down by my side, feeling beyond awkward at how close together our bodies were.

"Yeah?" I asked, my voice breaking as my heart pounded against my chest harder then it ever had.

"I promised myself-" She stopped, sighing as her hands grasped the nape of my neck, her fingers knotting in my hair, a slight shiver going down my spine at the feeling. "I promised myself that I would wait until we were thirty, because- We're really grown up now. There's no reason left for me to pretend any more." I knew my sister better then I knew myself, so as she spoke I could tell how hard the words were for her to say. I could tell by the way her eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but at me. I could tell by the way she was playing with her labret, I could tell by the way her finger tips shook against my neck.

"Tee, what is it?" I asked quietly, her eyes finally coming to rest on mine. She looked so sad, so confused. It broke my heart. "What-" Then, before I had a chance to process what was happening, her lips were against mine, her grip on my neck tightening as she prepared for me to pull away. I panicked, pulling my face away from hers straight away.

"Tee, this is a really bad-"

"Sh." She stopped me, placing her whole hand over my mouth. "For once in your life, Sara, stop thinking." And with that, my twin sister had her lips against mine again. I let my eyes slowly close, both my hands slowly moving to rest on her hips, letting her know I was feeling what she was. She made a quiet noise as she moved her lips against mine, her tongue touching my bottom lip ever so slightly as she loosened her grip on my neck, her hands instead running down my arms until she found my hands. My head was swimming, everything slightly blurry, so as she pulled my hands to go around her neck, making sure they stayed there before she pulled my thighs upwards so my feet left the ground, my legs winding around her waist, I didn't protest. I had never really thought of my sister as anything more then my sister, but in that moment, there was nothing I wanted more then her. This wasn't the first time my sister and I had been in this position. For months when we first started touring we were alone, and, inevitably, things went on during the night. It saved both of us from getting lonely, from missing the people were dating whilst we were away. It was innocent. I suppose we didn't realise that we had just set off a ticking time bomb that now, ten years later, was about to go off. I thought back to the very first time, the innocence and simplicity of all seeming so stupid now. Clearly, there was nothing simple or innocent about what Tegan and I did. Nothing.

"_Do you- Can we push the beds together? I- I can't sleep alone tonight, Sara." Tegan told me one night as he stood awkwardly between the two single beds in the old hotel room. I didn't say anything, I instead opted to stand up, push the beds together and lay beside my sister._

"_Are you okay?" I whispered in the darkness. We lay facing one another, her eyes seeming to sparkle in the light from the streetlights outside. She didn't say anything as she wiped a tear away from her cheek, a single sob escaping her chest before she rolled onto her back, both her hands covering her face as she began to sob quietly. "Tee." I said sympathetically, grabbing one of her wrists and pulling until she was cuddling into my chest, her head buried in my neck as she continued to cry. "It's okay." I whispered when she began to calm down. "I'm here, Teetee, you're okay." I placed a soft kiss to the top of my sisters head. This was completely out of the ordinary for us. Even when Tegan was upset, I would simply pat her on the back, we would never cuddle like this, let alone kiss. Yet here I was attempting to calm my sisters worries, my hand rubbing her back softly as I placed feather light kisses to the top of her head. "I love you." I told her, hating to see someone I love so upset._

"_I want to go home." She told me quietly. I didn't say anything as she sat up, her eyes staring into mine in a way they never had before. Then, without any warning, her pressed her lips lightly against my own. I should have told her to get off, pushed our beds apart and pretended it never happened, but I didn't. I pulled her on top of me, pulling her shirt over her head without any hesitation. I felt her moan into my mouth, my whole body shivering at the amazing feeling I was getting from this, and we had barely even started. "Sara-ugh oh my- should we talk- fuck- about this?" She said, moaning every now and against as I sucked and bit on her neck, massaging her boobs through her tshirt._

"_Fuck, Tee, stop talking and take your clothes off." I begged her, flipping her onto her back, pulling her shirt over her head. _

She placed me lightly on the edge of my bed, standing in front of me as she wasted no time in pulling my shirt over my head, her lips against my neck, my jaw line, my collar bones. I couldn't stop the quiet moan that came from me as her finger nails dug into my back, my heart skipping a beat as the realisation of what was happening kicked in. I suddenly began to think of the very first time we touched one another like this, the first time we crossed the line between sisters and lovers.

"Tee.." My voice came out as more of a moan that I intended, Tegan making a quiet groaning sound as she pulled my singlet up over my stomach, placing feather light kisses around my belly button. "Tee, wait." I tried again, keeping my voice as calm and collected as possible. She pulled away then, a terrified look in her eyes. "Soon." I bit down on my bottom lip as I cupped her face in my hands as she knelt in front of me. Her whole face softened as she realised I wasn't mad.

"You're not.. freaking out." She noted, coming to sit beside me on the bed now. She took my hand in hers, playing with my fingers idly as she waited patiently for a response. I just smiled at her, pushing her hair off her face.

"Let's nap." I suggested, noting her ptosis really kicking in. She didn't say anything as she crawled up my bed and got under the covers, watching me pull my jeans off. After years of touring and having to share hotel rooms, this was not the first time she'd seen me in my underwear. This was, though, the first time she bit down on her bottom lip at the sight.

"Sara.." She started, seeming to gasp quietly all of a sudden. "You.. You bind?" I was facing away from her, but there was no doubt that she could see my eyes widen in the mirror in front of me, my hands desperately trying to find a shirt on the floor. I felt her hands pulled the shirt away from me, my heart racing.

"Tegan please just give me my shirt ba-" I begged, my heart racing faster with every second that passed.

"Sh. Stop." She said quietly, my hand releasing the shirt. She placed it on the bed beside her as she turned my body around so she could undo the binder, letting it fall forward off my chest. I felt her hands shakily begin to move towards my chest, my hands grabbing hers and stopping them on my sides.

"Later. You need to rest now." I grabbed the shirt and pulled it over my head before I turned to face her. "Tegan," I started, hating the rejected expression all over her face. "Soon." I said once more, extending my pinkie finger towards her. She rolled her eyes at me, but shook her pinkie with mine before pulling me to cuddle up against her in my bed.

* * *

><p>"Hey, baby." Emy smiled at me as Tegan and I walked side by side into the room full of familiar faces.<p>

"I'll see you round." Tegan said to me quietly, touching my arm gently before she smiled once at Emy and disappeared into the crowd. I felt both of Emys hands go around my waist, pulling my body against hers gently, her lips against my neck so discretely I was sure no one in the room would be able to tell.

"I missed you." She told me quietly, her hands making their way up the back of my shirt.

"Emy." I laughed quietly, pulling her hands away from my spine, kissing her fingertips in front of me to ensure she knew my action wasn't a hostile one. "People." I pointed out, my eyes darting around the room to catch the eye of at least six smiling faces. She rolled her eye at me as she took my hand in hers instead. I felt myself flinch away from her grasp, I could only hope she didn't. I searched the crowded room for Tegan, desperate to see her smile. Then, out of nowhere, there she was, standing across the room, beer in hand talking to one of our male cousins. I can't explain why I craved seeing that smile as much as I did. I can't explain why I wanted to cross the room, pull her into my arms and never let her go. I can't explain why I wanted her between my legs. I can't explain why I wanted my sister the way I did, and it terrified me.

"Sara!" I heard a familiar voice chime all of a sudden, a smile breaking its way onto my face as my mum threw her arms around my shoulders, pulling me tight against her. I heard Emy chuckle quietly from beside me at the, no doubt, exasperated look on my face.

"Mum." I laughed, pushing her off gently. "Have you seen tee?" I asked her, pointing to my sister through the crowd. My mums face lit up at the sight of my twin, but she turned to look at me again.

"Happy birthday honey." She said to me in that disgusting, loving, motherly tone, pressing her lips to my cheek before she, also, disappeared into the crowd.

The night dragged on a lot slower then I liked, my eyes constantly searching the room for Tegan. Eventually I gave up, making my way out to the balcony for some fresh air. How I had managed to get away from Emy was above me. I couldn't even remember the last time I had seen my girlfriends face when I thought about it. "Stop drinking, Sara." I said to myself under my breath. "Fuck." I added, placing my head in my hands in a desperate attempt to stop everything spinning around me.

"Having a good night?" I heard her voice come, directly next to my ear, her hot breath against my neck giving me goosebumps all over.

"I'll give you one guess." I replied, making her chuckle quietly as she pulled a packet of cigarettes out of her jeans pocket.

"Emy sure knows how to organise a party." She said, handing me a beer as she leant against the balcony edge, the both of us looking in at the party unfolding behind the tinted glass windows.

"Yeah, she's amazing." I agreed, finally spotting her smiling as someone whose face I couldn't see spoke to her.

"Do you love her?" Tegan asked after a few moments of us both staring at my girlfriend. I turned to look at her, a completely animated expression all over my twins face. For the first time in my life, I had no idea what she was thinking.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" I asked, deflecting as I took the cigarette she was smoking out of her hand, bringing it to my lips.

"Sara!" She exclaimed, grabbing the cancer stick from my lips, discarding it off the balcony. "Asthma, dickhead." She reminded me, rolling her eyes dramatically. We stood staring at one another then, both of our eyes intently on the others. I took all of her in for the first time, soaked up how beautiful she was, absorbed the feeling I felt when she looked at me the way she was in that moment. She was beyond beautiful, her light brown hair fell around her face in the most simple way, yet the way it outlined her face seemed to extenuate everything so much more. It defined her jaw line, made her eyes stand out so much more, made her lips look so.. full.

"You are so beautiful." I noted, my eyes glancing to the room inside to ensure no one was watching us before I extended my hand to her face, cupping her cheek softly. Her eyes closed at the contact, her hand grabbing the hand that was still by my side. She opened her eyes slowly, looking at me as my thumb rubbed her cheek softly. I smiled suddenly, running my thumb across her eyelid. "You're also drunk. And tired." I noted, referring to the fact that her Ptosis had really started to kick in the way it did when she was tired.

"Do you want to get out of here?" She asked me softly, looking down at the ground as she spoke.

"Ye-"

"Bubby!" Emy screamed, both Tegan and I jumping away from one another's touch as my girlfriend walked towards us, her arm going around my waist as she smiled drunkenly at Tegan. "Everyone's going, you should come say bye." She suggested. I just nodded, Tegan leading the way back into the crowded room. "Hey." Emy stopped me, pulling my body against hers, her lips against mine in an instant. "I love you." She told me for the first time in three years, my heart skipping a beat at her words.

"You're drunk." I pointed out, deciding to point out the one flaw in her words.

"Yeah." She agreed, both her hands resting on the nape of my neck. I let my hands go to her lower back, holding her warm frame against mine. I loved the way her body felt against mine, it was almost as though we were a perfect fit. "But I do love you. I'm just to scared to say it normally because you don't seem to love me back." she told me sadly, her fingers playing with the small amount of hair I had.

"Emy." I said quietly, standing on my tip toes until my face was in line with hers. "I love you." It was true. I had known I was in love with Emily Storey after two months of dating her. I had to be the single most unaffectionate lesbian alive. I hated touching her when there were people around and I hated saying anything romantic when there was another human being within hearing distance. I suppose that led the woman I love to believe I didn't love her. That notion broke my heart, knowing that my actions had caused her to genuinely believe that.. What kind of girlfriend am I?

"Let's go say goodbye to people then go home." She suggested. I don't think she knew how perfect that idea sounded as I sighed, taking her hand in mine as I followed her into the room, saying our goodbyes to everyone. Everyone except my sister who bit down on her bottom lip, her brow furrowed as she watched my girlfriend and I leave together. I knew her actions must have meant something significant, but as I got back to my home, Emy pushed me up against my apartment door, her hands all over my torso and suddenly, any thoughts I once had about Tegan were chased away; for the night at least

"Sara." Emy moaned, her hands pulling my shirt over my head quickly, her warm breath against my skin making me shiver.

"Bed." Was all I managed to get out before Emy lifted my body off the floor, my legs instinctively wrapping themselves around her waist. I was a fair bit smaller then her something she loved. She was always able to control how fast things moved between us physically. "Ugh, baby." I breathed, knotting my fingers in her short hair as she placed me on my back on the edge of the bed, wasting no time in pulling my tight jeans off of my legs. She made her way back up my body, her hands pulling her own shirt over her head as she did so. She straddled my hips, grinding them into me, moaning as her tongue traced my own, battling for dominance.

"I love you." She moaned as she made me sit up, keeping herself planted in my lap as she did.

"I love you." I replied simply as she unhooked my bra, my fingers fumbling with hers at the same time. My face was in the perfect position, my lips and tongue coming in contact with her nipples in an instant.

* * *

><p>A quiet knock on my apartment door the next morning woke me from my peaceful slumber. I looked at Emy sleeping quietly beside me, making me smile slightly before I pulled an over sized sweater over my naked body. I grabbed the first pair of underwear I could find in my drawer and quickly walked toward the front door.<p>

"Tegan." I said with surprise at the sight of my sister standing at my front door. "What are you doing here?" I whispered so I wouldn't wake Emy, Tegan smiling as we both looked at the clock on the wall, telling us it was three in the morning.

"I needed to see you." She told me, grabbing my wrist and pulling me into a tight embrace.

"Fuck, Tegan. You're so drunk." I noted as she leant 90% of her weight on my body.

"I love you so much." She said quietly, starting to cry into my neck. I sighed, closing my eyes as I led her to the sofa, trying with everything in me to be as quiet as possible. "Do you love me?" She asked me, her hands going to the back of my neck as we sat side by side.

"Tegan, please don't do this now. Emy.." I whispered, letting her know my girlfriend was asleep in the other room. Her head snapped in the direction of the bedroom before she looked down at my bare legs, my sex hair and my sympathetic expression. She squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head slowly. "Go to sleep, we'll talk tomorrow." I promised, smoothing her hair as I carefully pulled her into another embrace. "Do you want a glass of water?" I asked her as she took her shoes off, not saying a word as she shook her head no. I got up and went into my bedroom, taking a sheet off of our bed and taking it back to my drunk sister, who was already passed out by the time I got back to the living room. I placed the sheet over her body, tucking her in carefully. I bent down by her head, softly pushing all her hair away from her beautiful face. "I love you too." I whispered as quietly as possible before I placed a kiss to her forehead.

I didn't sleep the rest of that night. Instead I lay and watch my girlfriend sleep, her chest rising and falling steadily throughout the night. I watched her lips twitch in the right hand corner every now and against, almost as though she were trying not to smile. I was in love with Emy, that I knew for sure. Yet I could not explain what this new feeling I was experiencing for Tegan was. I hated it. I hated that I didn't know how I felt. I needed to know what she was feeling, maybe that would help me understand and eventually accept whatever this feeling was.


End file.
